Beta Ray Bill - Everything Is a Nail - Travis M. Holyfield

Panel 1. Exterior. The Blue Area of the Moon. BETA RAY BILL and RONAN THE ACCUSER stand facing each other.

RONAN: A Korbinite. I had thought your kind extinct, washed away like the useless grime you are.

Panel 2. Focus on Bill.

BETA RAY BILL: And even with my eyes closed, I would know you as a Kree, for you talk too much and still say nothing of interest.

Panel 3. Focus on Ronan. He hefts his hammer and points it at Bill.

RONAN: YOU STAND ACCUSED.

Panel 4. Bill hefts Stormbreaker and looks at it thoughtfully.

BETA RAY BILL: There is an Earth expression that I often ponder.

BETA RAY BILL: “When your only tool is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.”

Panel 5. Close up of Bill’s face as he glares at Ronan.

BETA RAY BILL: Tell me, “Accuser”, what do you imagine you look like to me right now?

Panel 6. Bill and Ronan rush at each other, swinging their hammers in mighty arcs!

Beta Ray Bill - Sleeping with the Television On - Ray Wonsowski

Panel 1- Foreground, SUE STORM, sits at a table in the middle of one of the big rooms in the Baxter Building, overcome with ennui, cupping her chin in her hand exasperatedly. She is in her classic FF uniform. In the background, REED has his back turned to her as he tinkers with something Kirby-like, while BEN, JOHNNY, and young FRANKLIN and VALERIA kick over a board game as they argue with each other animatedly.

SUE: But woe, even in mine own home, I am invisible.  I yearn for, long for...

Panel 2- Standing in an open window, BETA RAY BILL, looking very Fabio, extends his hand to SUE. His hair is flowing gold, blowing in the breeze, unfettered by his usual helmet. His hammer hangs at his hip, and his cape flies from his shoulders. SUE clasps her hands to her heart in bliss, eyelashes aflutter.

BILL: Soft, fair Susan! Never hast thou disappeared from mine eye...or my heart!

SUE: Oh, Beta Ray!

Panel 3- SUE has torn open BILL's tunic, resting her head against his bare chest. BILL holds her by the small of her back, looking sidelong at something profound in the distance. They stand on a jetty, waves crashing on the rocks as the sun sets.

SUE: I cannot stop, desire overwhelms me. But what of Sif, and Reed...?

BILL: No matter, fair Susan. All there is, is our passion!

Panel 4- cut to the guest suite in Avengers Tower. A TV can be seen as SUE STORM is doing an interview on a talk show. BILL, in full costume, is asleep in a recliner, head back, snoring. SIF is coming up from behind with her shield held above her head with two hands as she's about to blasther him angrily, her teeth gritting in red faced fury.

BILL: (in his sleep) ...oh Susan...one kiss...

SIF: (whispered) coming right up...

BETA RAY BILL – Of Course Of Course – MK Stangeland Jr.

(I really wanted to go with something better than a simple pun script this week, but sometimes you work with what you’re able to come up with rather than what you want to write.)

(5 Panels)

Panel 1: BETA RAY BILL is attempting to speak to THOR, SIF, and the WARRIORS THREE. He looks a touch distressed.

BETA RAY BILL: …

SIF: Something distresses you, mighty warrior Bill?

THOR: Tell us what is wrong, Oath Brother!

Panel 2: BETA RAY BILL is moving his hands about as he tries to signal what’s wrong.

BETA RAY BILL: …!

HOGUN: You’re suffering from a terrible disease!

FANDRAL: You accidentally wore out your lungs wooing a lady!

VOLSTAGG: You’re choking on the bone from a meal!

Panel 3: All stop as they hear LOKI from off-panel.

LOKI (1): (From Off-Panel) Isn’t it obvious?

LOKI (2): (Off-Panel) He’s a little hoarse!

Panel 4: All look in the direction of LOKI. He stands with a wicked, mischievous grin on his face as he holds on hand behind his back, hiding something. BETA RAY BILL looks angry, the rest are surprised.

Panel 5: BETA RAY BILL angrily flies after LOKI, who is running away at top speed, though he’s laughing his head off all the same. THOR, SIF, and the WARRIORS THREE follow in persuit.

BETA RAY BILL: …!!!

SIF: TIS A TERRIBLE JOKE, LOKI!

THOR: AYE! AND THAT PUN IS MUCH OF A STRETCH!

(END PAGE)

Beta Ray Bill - Life Lessons - Grant McLaughlin

Three rows of panels.  Row one is made up of panels 1 through 3, while rows two and three are made up of a single panel each (4 and 5, respectively).

1 - Beta Ray Bill in his pre-Thor armor - the stuff he would have worn just when he got to Earth.  He's in what looks like a field, although there isn't much in the way of distinct elements in the background.  Bill has one hand to the side of his head, sliding up towards his temple, as if trying to calm his frustration.  Facing the reader, he looks off and to the side.

BILL: You refuse to give me your full attention.

2 - Bill starts pacing towards the left, hands nervously grasping each other in front of him.

BILL: You rarely speak.

3 - Bill paces back towards the right, both hands up and splayed in evident frustration.

BILL: And whenever you finally do, it is always in the negative.

4 - Pull back and switch angles to show that Bill is in a field with a couple of very confused horses.  Bill grabs the head of the one nearest him with both hands in desperation and brings his own cranium up close in a futile attempt to emphasize his point.  The horse is rather disturbed by this, while the others in the background aren't appreciating it much more.

BILL (1): What have I do to offend you so?

BILL (2): Why do you insist on ignoring me?!

5 - Switch scenes completely.  Bill (now in his regular Thor getup - or if we want to really yuck things up, wearing a traditional professor's jacket complete with suede elbow patches) is standing at a podium, looking out a room filled with aliens who are seated and looking towards him (like a university lecture, perhaps).  The aliens can be of all shapes and forms - established Marvel races and brand new ones alike.  Behind Bill can be a blackboard (or something similar) that reads "Living on Earth: Important Things to Know".

BILL: ...it was near this juncture I began to suspect I may have misread which was the planet's dominant species.

Why Beta Ray Bill?

Are you really into Thor, but secretly wish he was also an alien?

Do you  dig Norse mythology, but also kind of imagine a world where it was actually horse mythology?

Do you think the power of Mjolnir is fine, but feel like it would be even better if it were equine?

Well then, does Walt Simonson have a comic book character for you!

There are many figures who could make a case for being the poster child for how ridiculous comic book can be, but Beta Ray Bill may be one of the filliest.

He's pretty much an oranger, cosmic version of Marvel's God of Thunder and shouldn't work in a lot of ways, yet is somehow incredibly engaging and alluring.  What's the deal?  Is there foal play afoot?

I don't know if I could tell you, but I think it would behoove us to explore the question together this week!